


fever dream.

by orphan_account



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-20
Updated: 2011-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-20 14:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s not much time to think about what had occurred when Shaw and his men attacked the CIA base after it happens. Alex knows, intellectually, that it's likely things won’t really sink in until at least a full twenty-four hours after the fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fever dream.

**Author's Note:**

> this is completely unbetaed. i've read through it a few times, but i'm bound to have missed a few things, so let me know if you spot any errors? also, the title is from the iron & wine song of the same name that was playing in the background when i wrote this.

There’s not much time to think about what had occurred when Shaw and his men attacked the CIA base after it happens. Alex knows, intellectually, that it's likely things won’t really sink in until at least a full twenty-four hours after the fact. It’s shock and all he’s feels is a sort of numb blankness as he sits on the crumbling pavement staring at his shoes. But he knows what happened beyond a shadow of a doubt. He  _knows_  and he can’t do anything but think about it and he’s still painfully (painlessly?) detached. 

Darwin is dead. And it’s his fault.

Alex tries to figure out how to say that when he sees the car pull up. Raven does most of the talking. (“Darwin’s dead, Charles, and we can’t even bury him.” No mention of Alex at all. That’s strange.) Everything’s a bit of a blur but there is one thing that really stands out. “We can avenge him,” Erik says, and it doesn’t seem like Charles is very happy about him planting the idea in the kids’ heads. Alex isn’t sure what he thinks about it. Avenging would mean punishing himself, but everyone else seems focussed on Shaw. It’s a strange divide and there’s no reconciling the two ideas in his head.

There’s no time at all to think about it once they get to the mansion. Despite there being more square footage and acreage than they could possibly need, it’s really incredibly hard to get a moment alone. Everything is a flurry of activity and training. Even sealed in the bunker, Alex is never truly alone, what with the Professor always waiting right outside the door.

His mind processes everything at night and he wakes up with a start every morning, sheets damp with cold sweat, unable to remember his dreams at all, but filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt and self-loathing. He killed Darwin. Darwin is dead and it’s his fault.

Alex has never really been sure how to express stronger emotions like anger and grief. He threw righteous tantrums as a child, wreaking havoc and screaming his head off when he was angry. Then came the onset of his powers and suddenly his tantrums were dangerous and letting himself feel that anger meant he could hurt people. Kill people.

He teases Hank and calls him names because he’s frustrated with himself. With his inability to cope in any way, shape or form. With his complete lack of control. He sees the hurt on Hank’s face and the disappointment on Charles’ (and Raven’s and Sean’s and Erik’s and Moira’s) and hates himself a little more. Alex can’t exactly stop, though, once a pattern is started.

But then Hank is Beast and they’re on a fucking  _fighter jet_  going to save the world. The taunts are no where to be found. He fights using his powers and he’s never felt such exhilaration in his life. At the same time, he has never felt such fear. One misstep, one misfire and 'their boys' could go the same way Darwin did. Accidentally.

It’s almost a relief when he’s captured and Angel burns his disc off. It makes the feeling of excitement, freedom and release when Sean catches him and flies with him that much more confusing. But dwelling on it is impossible because Angel spits fire and clips Sean’s wings. The scream hurts Alex’s ears and the tumble to the sand hurts even more. His chest feels like it’s on fire and all he wants to do is collapse and pass out.

He can’t, though, because Angel is rushing in for another attack. There’s no room to do anything, not even think. He reacts purely on instinct, letting loose a halo or three of red energy and the smile that crosses his face isn’t because of joy that he managed to save himself and Sean. It’s because he missed and only hit her wing. She wasn’t killed.

It’s only a few minutes between that and Erik coming out of the sub, looking absolutely terrifying and talking about revolting against the very people they just saved. The missiles come and Alex can’t help but think,  _Finally,_  he's going to get what's been coming to him for so long now. He’s not sure if the worried feeling he felt on the edges of his consciousness was imagined or if the Professor really did pick up on his reactions.

The thought is fleeting, though, and the next thing he really registers is Charles in Erik’s arms and then Erik offering his hand. The thought of going with him is at once tempting and revolting. Tempting because he knows he won’t be looked down on for Darwin’s death if he goes. Revolting because that would more than likely mean there would be more Darwins. More people killed by his hand and his power. The disgust that roils in his gut when he considers it for half a moment is a familiar feeling.

He’s not sure why he stays at the mansion with the others once everything is over. Maybe it’s because he finally feels like there are people he wants to be around, despite the risk. Maybe part of him wants to be redeemed. Alex tries not to think about it much, and just works on helping build the new Cerebro and transform the house into a school. He works himself into the ground and goes to bed every night too exhausted to dream.

Until the Professor sends him to bed early one night, that is. When he dreams of red and starts awake, there’s a soft knock on his door. He opens it and bewilderedly lets a frowning Charles in. 

“It’s not your fault, Alex,” he says once the door is shut. Alex’s knees buckle and he sits down hard on the floor next to the Professor’s chair. “Darwin’s death was not your fault and you need to stop thinking it was.” He pauses and then continues when he sees Alex’s blank look. “He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

Alex bows his head, and for the first time in weeks, lets himself feel everything he hasn’t since the night of the attack. He knows that, at this distance and with his mind so discombobulated, the Professor has to be feeling almost everything. He can’t really bring himself to care, though, as his breathing comes quicker and he trembles ever so slightly. A warm hand rests on his shoulder, causing him to tense, but then there’s a familiar presence in his mind repeating the words that were just spoken a moment before. It’s harder to deny them there.

For the first time in a very long time, Alex lets go of himself and his emotions completely. And he feels no shame at the fact that his forehead ends up resting on Charles’ knees and his hands hold the stupid fucking wheelchair in a white-knuckled grip as he weeps.


End file.
